Tuesday:
So, after my depressing weigh-in this morning I sat around for quite a while feeling sorry for myself. Even after I got off my butt, I still felt pretty miserable all morning. It's not just that I'm still fat, it's that feeling of failure. How can you fail over and over again for years without feeling like a failure? I read all these other blogs where people are losing weight so I know it's not impossible, so why can't I? What is wrong with me?
There is a motivational poster going around that is something like "Losing weight is hard. Being fat is hard. Choose your hard." Today I felt like I could reword it "Be miserable because you can't eat whatever you want. Or be miserable because you are fat. Choose one. Or why not both? Feel like you are denying yourself AND be sad about being fat as well!" Pity party much? Well, days like this have happened before and no doubt they will come again. I eventually just got on with it.
I did do some actual thinking as well as just wallowing in misery. Still not giving up. Still not ready to just settle for this size. And anyway, it's better than gaining weight which is probably what would happen.
I've chosen to go the lowish-carb route. It's hard to stick to (as is any restriction whatsoever), but on the other hand at least I know I lose weight. Mainly I cut out anything processed, because all that stuff is just highly refined carbohydrates. Concentrate on stuff that I could produce myself if I had a big enough farm. "Things that your grandmother would recognise" doesn't exactly apply because both my grandmothers were of the plain meat and three veg school and they probably never saw Chinese, Thai, or Mexican food in their lives. They wouldn't have heard of most of the spices I use. But it is basically the right sentiment. Nothing that has been "invented" in the past 50 years or so. And limited "natural" carby stuff as well. But not too low, because that seriously messes with my mood. Today so far I have had all real foods, 959 calories and 40.3 grams of carbohydrate. I expect to go a bit higher in both most days, that just happens to be all I needed to fill me up today. I wasn't at all hungry between meals. If I get hungry this evening I will have some raspberries and yoghurt (which I make myself so I know it has nothing bad in it, just milk and cultures).
There was one large chocolate biscuit left and I was a bit scared of it so I gave it to Jasmine for dessert. Aiden doesn't like chocolate, he had a cupcake that daddy made on the weekend. I still have to resist the remaining cupcakes - I haven't had any - but I feel much safer without the yummy wafer biscuit calling me.
After a late breakfast the kids volunteered to do some extra housework for half an hour extra computer time so I allowed that and we all did a bit of work, then we went for a half hour walk outside, then had a healthy lunch of various leftovers - I had some homemade tomato soup, a slice of roast beef, and some salad - then I did a bit of deskwork (trying for an hour a day during school holidays), then we watched the Foxtel movie du jour "The Lego Movie" which the kids had seen before with daddy but I hadn't. It was ok. As soon as it was over the kids ran off to play with Aiden's huge collection of Lego.
Managed to keep the TV off most of the day which was great, but actually I'm a bit disenchanted with Foxtel already after 48 hours. There isn't that much on it I want to watch that isn't on my 20 or so free TV channels, apart from quite a lot of kids' movies. I'll see how I feel after Game of Thrones finishes. There are a couple of series that I would try but they only seem to have the most recent episodes available so I can't go right back to the start, unless they have a special "box set" like they do with Game of Thrones.
Report card:
Diet: Great.
Exercise: Good. My foot started hurting again after the walk so I'm being careful.
Water: Fantastic.
Sleep: Great.
Mental health: Very bad for most of the day, ok now.
Natalie-
ReplyDeleteAs I read your last couple posts, the thing that caught my eye was this statement...
"Be miserable because you can't eat whatever you want. Or be miserable because you are fat. Choose one. Or why not both? Feel like you are denying yourself AND be sad about being fat as well!"
I bet you I've failed as much as you and I've even made the comment before that I'd rather be fat than be miserable. It was that thinking that really had me wondering how could I approach it differently.
I came to the conclusion that I had to NOT feel deprived if I was ever going to be successful, and the only way to do that was to not WANT the food all the time. The more you deprive yourself of something you want, the more you want it until you can't control yourself anymore.
I can't tell you how you change that mental belief, but I can tell you that I'm trying to do it by deferring my "wants". I've made a committment to myself that I would not be deprived of anything, but that doesn't mean I get it right away. Once you get past that "impulse" it gets easier to hold off until a later time. Sometimes I win and sometimes I lose, but when I lose I take a look at why I couldn't hold off just a little longer.
I know you're going through some trying times; I think we have all been there at some point. I'm glad that you are not giving up. My best advice is to shift focus into the mental aspect of losing the weight.
Then again what do I know? My weight has been between 300-350 for as long as I can remember. I do wish you the best of luck.
That last paragraph is how I feel when I give people advice! Like I have a lot to say but then, oh, well actually I haven't made it work so maybe I shouldn't be the one giving advice... But I really enjoy your blog and feel I get a lot from it so I'm happy to listen.
DeleteChanging my mindset is important, I know. I feel like I've done it with the CPAP use so maybe I can do it with other aspects. But I have good days and bad days.
Dear Natalie. I have read both your posts. I agree with richard: try a nutritian. The one you talked to last time wasn't good, but i am sure the good ones are out there. Also, they say you can't outrun a bad diet, but i say you CAN outrun a few bad choices. You have a lot of time when you read or watch telly, maybe you should look into getting a stationary bike or a walking band. It wouldn't change your enjoyment very much, but it could be an extra 300-400 caæories burned most days. Good luck whatever path you chose
ReplyDeleteAnne
Yes I am very sedentary. Both work and leisure involve sitting still. Something to work on. I own a treadmill but never use it, I found it too noisy to watch TV and too jiggly to read. Need to work on that.
DeleteWell I'm not medically trained so can only speak from personal experience. But for the past seven years both my husband (a Type 2 diabetic) and myself a non diabetic have been living the LCHF lifestyle. He lost weight, stabilised his blood sugars and hasn't looked back. I am now so used to living this lifestyla and wouldn't live any other way. Do have a look around web sites / blogs if you want to do more research. There are people out there who are so pleased they made the choice.
ReplyDeleteTake Care
All the best Jan
Thanks Jan. I am leaning a bit towards LCHF but I find too much fat makes me feel sick. My goal is protein (with fat) and plant foods and water, a lot less carbs.
DeleteCoincidentally I was just posting about how I was going to eat going forward and it is really close to what you are talking about. The big thing is getting rid of those ultra processed foods that are designed for us to overeat. For me, doing that does reduce my total carbs as well.
ReplyDelete